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well hello there!

*i was contemplating on titling this “whale heyo there” but i think that might’ve been coming on too strong for a pinned/introduction post

welcome welcome!

my name is jessica, but you can call me jess :))

i started blogging in january 2018 and haven’t stopped since

i like talking about my thoughts, feelings, and moments

yeah, in a sense they’re all intertwined but i like to think that each section has its own quirks

thoughts: my opinions and reflections

feelings: my emotions and things that have deeply moved me

moments: specific things which have happened to make me the person who i am today

i like to think of this blog as a way of figuring out who i am and maybe helping a person or two along this so-called journey we call life

i’m a flawed human bean who’s taking life day by day and trying to be authentic through this painful process of self-reflection and acknowledgment

i’m also this internal processor who picks out the small things in life and analyzes/overthinks things until i give up on knit-picking any further

in addition, i’m this sentimental person who is immensely blessed with the things and people that are in my life

here are my unfiltered processings, here is the unfiltered me.

welcome to my blog :)) it’s nice to meet you

-jess wong

 

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overanalyzing

highlight of the day: my friend and i talked about journal apps in our phones during lunch and compared them LOL

11:19 pm

yesterday i tried for the first time in a while on my chemistry homework

i sorted out my life like my biology teacher encouraged me to, and it did help realign my mindset

i’m working hard now and trying for the sake of trying instead of grades, and it’s a lot better

today i realized that overanalyzing is bad

and of course your immediate response is, “no kidding it’s called overanalyzing for a reason”

but i think that overanalyzing is even looking at intentions/possibilities of the future/past experiences

one time i asked someone what the difference between not overthinking/suppressing is, and she said that overthinking is irrational thinking so not overthinking is not suppressing bc stopping yourself from thinking irrational things is okay. a lot of the time it’s hard not to overthink bc in our minds it seems rational, but knowing that it is irrational is important so we can stop to some extent”

i was thinking about my friendships and the relationships that i have formed with people because a lot of new friendships have grown in the past few weeks

they are very healthy relationships and these people make me better people

but as soon as i started thinking about possibilities of their/my intentions and possibilities of the future and actions and life i started doubting our friendships ?

and you could say that if i’m not willing to confront these things, that i’m not being realistic with myself about people and the future

but i just want to say that since we don’t actually know their intentions/ or what’s going to happen in the future, why bother wondering ?

why not just trust and invest and be happy and be honest and leave it at that without worrying about days that have not yet come ?

overanalyzing is bad

friendships are good

let yourself love and be loved

hold onto hope

-jess wong

always here for you

11:25 pm

highlight of the day: talking with my biology teacher

i have chemistry homework to do and probably also english and history homework but one step at a time

i’m giving myself about a 5 minute break (probably more) to just write this since i’ve been working on chem for about an hour and a half straight and i’ve been pretty concentrated

two days ago i asked my biology teacher if i could talk to her about life, and she said yes

we had to schedule it for today due to an assembly and earthquake drill but it’s alright, it was a really refreshing talk

i had ap chemistry the period before lunch and i was feeling very nervous because i didn’t know how it would go ? i’ve never talked to her in person about my life, but i had opened up to her in a thank you card at the end of last year

so after the bell rang, i walked to her classroom and greeted her when i walked in the door

i was terrified ahahahahaha

i think it was really really good

she’s a really good listener.

of course, you have to ease into a deep conversation, so first we talked about academics. her eyes kind of sparkled when i mentioned my chemistry teacher’s antics LOL (oh i’m very fascinated with the concept of eyes hardening/softening). she pulled up a resource that i could use, and gave me study tips as well. she also said that she would help me :00

when i told her about how i’ve given up on ap chemistry, she immediately nudged me to not give up. i told her about how i had no idea what i was doing/how i was bad at application, but she just encouraged me to keep trying

then i brought up the issue that i thought she would be able to understand and she did oh my. as soon as i mentioned it, she mentioned an aspect of it and it was so nice to have someone understand the complexity of relationships ?

as i kept talking and telling her about my feelings, she validated them. she said that they made sense? and she said that she couldn’t imagine how tough it would be/she would remember how hard it would be sometimes for her and understand.

i feel like she’s the first person who has…listened to me in a while.

someone who hasn’t thought of a response, but who acknowledged that it was tough and left it at that

she gave me advice in terms of approaching my problems–to write down everything that’s swirling in my mind and to try sorting them out from there. she said that it helps because sometimes when we’re overwhelmed and can’t see clearly, when we write down what we need to tackle, things don’t seem as impossible anymore. she also said that some problems might not be able to be solved because they’ll just take time, but school can definitely be worked out and that she’d be willing to help me

she also offered her room for me to use during lunch and after school to catch up on work

when i told her about my appetite she made sure that i was hydrated ahah

i mentioned how i get dizzy sometimes and she said “oh but you see you mention it so casually but that’s actually bad”

she said that she would be willing to talk any day anytime during lunch and that me talking to her helps me (even though she can’t always give clean cut answers) because it helps me process things externally and acknowledge what i’m feeling/what i’m going through

she also told me to update her on how everything goes, and to keep talking to her/emailing her because otherwise she’ll wonder how i’m doing

it’s 11:44 whoops

but i just wanted to emphasize how thankful i am to have a teacher who goes out of her way to be there for me

also i am so thankful for friendships which grow with vulnerability

-jess wong

 

hear ye hear ye

highlight of the day: my kiddo said hi to me :)) and i also had good conversation with a friend on the bus ride home

9:29 pm

come one come all

’tis the season to take risks

junior year has been hard

things have been terrible for the past few days and things have been building up

in general, since this year has started, i’ve wanted to reach out to people

(oh the thing about me is that i only am willing to open up to certain people so it’s an absolute thing.)

anyways, i kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad and to wait until it got worse

yesterday things happened and today they continued so in advisory i wrote this email to my biology teacher from last year. i was so hesitant to send the email..

  1. i didn’t know if she would respond
  2. i didn’t know if she remembered me
  3. i didn’t know if she would want to help

sometimes i don’t understand why people do things when it’s not their responsibility to

like in this case, since i don’t have this teacher anymore, she’s technically not responsible for me anymore

but i felt sososososo terrible (whoops no profanity) after 1st period today.

just the mindset of me needing to get through the day and not paying attention in class bc of that

and then getting called out in class by a teacher was great

i really needed to talk to someone.

so i asked my color guard friends whether it was appropriate to ask a previous teacher to listen to my life struggles because they’re good at giving advice

they said that it would be fine

it took me a while to press the send button because i was afraid

but i sent the email

i have asked my biology teacher a question on instagram before, but i didn’t know if that was appropriate, so i used email.

to: *insert teacher’s name*

subject line: i don’t know what to title this

Hello *insert teacher’s name*,

(heh whoops i didn’t know whether instagram was an okay place to message you so i’m using
loopmail).

junior year has been really really hard thus far and i was wondering if i could talk to you about life sometime and get advice and/or just have someone listen :00

thank you, Jessica

and then i put my phone down so that i wouldn’t focus on it and pretended that it never happened

10 minutes later she replied

oh my goodness it was scary seeing her name on my phone screen

Hi Jessica,

Yes of course I am always here for you! I’m really glad you reached out to me. We could talk Wednesday during FLEX if you want – it’s a debate session, so we can go outside and talk, or Wed or Thurs during lunch work ok.
If those times don’t work, we will find another time 🙂

*insert teacher’s name*

and then i kind of shed a tear or two

like first of all, you’re always here for me? oh my.

second of all, i am so relieved that i reached out to you and that you’re here for me

third of all, i would love to sit outside instead of inside where everyone can listen to my life struggles

fourth, you offered other times in case this one didn’t work out

fifth, you said that if these times don’t work, that we will find another time

“will” instead of “can” you know ? it’s so intentional

(this is not me overanalyzing text like we do in english, i believe that there is intention in her choice of words)

oddly enough, this topic came up in conversation later with my color guard friend

she had opened up to her science teacher about something last year, and she and i were talking about how teachers are easier to open up to because they’re not paid to help you feel better/obligated to report what you say, while counselors at our school are

my biology teacher and i will be talking soon

i love her

in conclusion, i have the best teacher in the world

thank you for listening to my TED talk

-jess wong

notes to kids

highlight of the day: conversations with kids

*oh i’m a tutor btw LOL

LOL today was my first day at work and it was interesting

#1: hello :)) you were the first kid that sat at my table and said hello. you eventually left and came back later. you’re really smart and outspoken. listening is the trick to success. your smile is precious.

#2: you’re the one who i focused on for a lot of the time. you get distracted a lot. i don’t think that you can help being distracted… but you’re so smart. i get that concentration is hard for you. i think the teacher was really surprised when you finished your homework. maybe you don’t usually finish it. but you’re so gifted when you try. i’m proud of you pushing through. you did it.

#3: LOL hello kid who came up to me with a third eyeball (those balls that have eyes on them?). you were really cute. i liked listening to your stories about the eyeball and how cherry syrup would make it look like it’s bleeding

#4: hello random kid who kept coming up to me about multiplication? you’re only in 1st grade and you have such a deep desire to learn. but sometimes you want to learn things without having your foundations down. foundations are important. before you try 111×111, try 33×33 and figure out how it works. memorization on works up to 12s. but wow, you had such boldness to come up and shove a paper in my face and ask me whether an answer was correct.

#5: hello kid who color-coded your homework. yeah, you have weekly homework and you only do what you need to per day. self-care is important. i heard that it was your first day! you were a hard worker, but sometimes you “helped” people by telling them the answer. hahahah in the longterm it’s not really helping them, but i’m happy that you understand the concepts 🙂

#6: hello obedient kid who sat across from me. you were probably the most disciplined child. that was impressive. your peers kept trying to finish homework as soon as possible and getting distracted, but you just kept working and never complained. i was so impressed. when the other kids got their classwork packets, they only got a few pages in and dazed off, but you kept going and never complained or took a break. you asked me questions, and when kid #1 came over to ask for help, you still continued working at your own pace (even though you copied a few answers from her here and there I SEE YOU). even when you were hungry you kept working. you have such a good attitude and work ethic at such a young age.

#7: you’re a year older than the rest of the kids because you were moved from another classroom. you weren’t concentrating on homework. you’re quite a small child with such beautiful eyes? they’re a subtle shade of blue. you’re quiet, but you say a lot if you’re given the opportunity to/asked a question. i enjoyed hearing you talk about how you see chains on swings and how back in the day people built sleds out of wood and had wolves (huskies) pull them. you’re so curious, and your sentences were always so creative. you’re so intelligent and bright. but you didn’t finish homework, and you were lectured by your mother when she found out that you were moved from your classroom and that you didn’t finish your homework. i wonder if she knows about your passion for random facts. i wonder if she sees how gentle her son is.

you’re all so bright and have such a light in your eyes

please don’t lose it

-jess wong

checklist

dear my future child,

here is a checklist of things that i have compiled over the years from experiences. i promise you that i will be the best parent that i can be

i promise that i will never make you afraid to enter the house or leave your room for the sake of talking to me

i promise that i will never make you be more of an adult than i am. it’s my job as a parent to show you how to be a good human being, and there’s no better way to do that by being a good human being first

i promise that i will always try to be empathetic and try to understand why things mean so much to you and how tired you are, even though they might not mean that much to me and i might be twice as tired

i promise that i will always support you as you try new things and be there for you when you fail instead of reminding you of your failures

i promise that you will never hear my mouth the words of “you’ll never ….” or “you can’t …” regarding your passions or efforts or anything that means something to you.

i promise that you will never have to worry about what i do as a parent, because that’s not your job as a child. your job as a child is simply live knowing that your parents have your back

i promise that you will never have to hear about my problems, because again, it’s not your job to.

i promise to push you out of your comfort zone and raise you to be responsible, but i also promise that i won’t force you to do things that i am supposed to do. you are someone who’s growing and learning, and it’s my job to make sure everything is okay

i promise to make you a grateful humble person who respects others, but i will never make you feel like you owe me anything. because i owe being your parent and taking care of you. you didn’t ask for any of this.

i promise that i will always be someone who you can come to

i promise that i will never force you to do anything. i will never tell you to quit your passions or to stop do something because it’s inconvenient for me.

i promise that i will admit when i make mistakes and not use you as an outlet whenever i mess up. that’s just wrong.

and i promise that our talks will be a discussion, and that it won’t be disrespectful if you ask about (not challenge) my point of view. because honestly both sides will need to understand the other

i promise that i will always take care of you and not compare you to other kids.

because you are one in a million

-jess wong

13 pages = 2+ hours

10:12 pm

ahhhh i still have 13 pages of apush textbook to go so hopefully i can finish and still function tomorrow

highlight of the day: spending time with church friend (hellooooo your “name” in this blog is always church friend but you’re one of my closest friends in general!!). we got lunch after church and then proceeded to study and eat healthy snacks :))

also highlight of the day #2: this random number texted me and it was sketchy because the number wasn’t in my mom’s contacts either. turns out that my neighbor got a phone and needed copy paper. later on i got a headache and asked him to look for advil and he responded immediately what a good neighbor. he’s grown so much omy

i’m trying to reflect on life things here and there–i had a weird vivid dream last night

also i’m a lucid dreamer i think. it’s interesting. i remember really specific applicable dreams and i actively choose my decisions during my dreams.

my dreams typically have people who i know and the ones that stick have to do with something that i’m dealing with

so i think i need to process that dream a bit before i figure out what it means

-jess wong