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well hello there!

*i was contemplating on titling this “whale heyo there” but i think that might’ve been coming on too strong for a pinned/introduction post

welcome welcome!

my name is jessica, but you can call me jess :))

i started blogging in january 2018 and haven’t stopped since

i like talking about my thoughts, feelings, and moments

yeah, in a sense they’re all intertwined but i like to think that each section has its own quirks

thoughts: my opinions and reflections

feelings: my emotions and things that have deeply moved me

moments: specific things which have happened to make me the person who i am today

i like to think of this blog as a way of figuring out who i am and maybe helping a person or two along this so-called journey we call life

i’m a flawed human bean who’s taking life day by day and trying to be authentic through this painful process of self-reflection and acknowledgment

i’m also this internal processor who picks out the small things in life and analyzes/overthinks things until i give up on nit-picking any further

in addition, i’m this sentimental person who is immensely blessed with the things and people that are in my life

here are my unfiltered processings, here is the unfiltered me.

welcome to my blog :)) it’s nice to meet you

-jess wong

 

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7:07 am

i am tired

it’s been a while ahah but i finally finished my ap tests !!

I’m going to jot down a few things about today so I can understand what’s happening


schedule:

first period: math test pt 1 (which i have not studied for and missed 3 days of class for because I was taking ap exams?? )

second period: work on spanish prj so lowkey free period

advisory: finish reading the book + notes

third period: free period in english

fourth period: classwork in chemistry

fifth period: grinding in choir for our concert

sixth period: free period

and then I can go to a color guard thing ??

do i want to go to a color guard thing ??

i am tired

-jwong

I’ve come so far

highlight of the day: I read a kid’s life narrative and he talked to his friends. He talked about how he met them online and how they’ve talked every single day for a year and are on their way to two years. He ended the narrative saying that he knows they’ll reach their two year mark because his friends won’t abandon him and he will never abandon his friends. that was very wholesome

today we had a trial tutor at work and I realized how far I’ve come LOL I love these kids and I know how to work with them ??

I learned about roblox today. and I tried to teach a kid minesweeper without a computer? but it was cute

after we finished work my coworkers and I introduced ourselves to the trial tutor. MY COWORKER REMEMBERS WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL I FELT SO VALIDATED LOL. and then I talked about college stress because today the seniors at my school wore their college merch. I am sosososo proud of my friends ahhh

yes so my coworkers asked me about SATs and colleges that I want to go to and all that jazz. one of my coworkers majored in biochem and minored in cognitive sciences and I asked her a bit about that. I mentioned how engineering could be interesting and my other coworker said “oh wait.” and ran out. he came back with this organizer of arduino stuff and that was kind of cool. he taught me about a few things and said that he was trying to make nerf guns into laser guns.

I don’t know. it was cool learning about that and bonding with my coworkers

and then my boss came back and asked if I WANTED BOBA but I had to be polite and say no. he brought back popcorn chicken and that made me happy 🙂


I think that my english teacher likes me a lot ?

two weeks ago I was sick and emailed my english teacher, asking her if I could turn in a hardcopy of my essay the next day

she said yes and when I turned it in, she didn’t ask for a late pass and just took it?

but when my friend tried to turn in an assignment she asked for a late pass and told her to put it in a separate bin so that she would get to it eventually?

and when I made up a test today she just gave me the test and told me to give it to her at the end of the period. when I needed more time, she didn’t rush me, and I just gave it to her a couple of minutes after.

She returned our essays to us today and even though I was missing my works cited on the final draft, she didn’t mark me off? but she should have because the works cited is important…??????


i am tired.

i will wake up early tomorrow and study for chem and history

highlight of the day: OH MY GOODNESS I DIDN’T FAIL A UNIT TEST FOR APUSH but there’s maybe a chance that the score was inputted wrong and I don’t want to get my hopes up but oh my goodness I didn’t fail.

my senior friends are going to good collegesssss and I am sosososo proud of them

I also went to the library to study today with my friend and we did a practice test. after she watched my lame hamster videos with me and it made me happy

there hasn’t been that much homework the past few days, but there’s always something big coming up the next day.

On monday I had an apush quiz

Today I had a math quiz, english quiz, and history test

Tomorrow I have an english test and another english quiz

On Thursday I have a chemistry test and history essay.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and then I just tell myself to focus on the next thing.

-jwong

shawn hunter

many posts in a day. guess i’m just catching up :’)

let me just start by saying that i know that i’m idealizing things and that tv relationships or relationships that i see aren’t always possible for me. but sometimes a girl can dream ok.

i’ve been watching boy meets world and i know i’m a bit late to the party but basically you have two kids, cory and shawn.

cory’s your average american boy who lives comfortably and has shallow problems like failing tests or getting girls. his best friend shawn lives in a trailer park and has a rough life in general, and also faces the same shallow problems that cory faces.

the show inserts a few deep episodes here and there. like nature vs nurture or things about family or whatever.

you also have your two teachers, feeny and turner. feeny is your old teacher who is very well spoken and traditional. turner is your cool young english teacher who teaches comic books and gets down on kids’ level to talk with them and bond with them.

mr. turner looks out for shawn. i wonder what that’s like, to have a cool teacher look out for you.

in the episode that i just finished, they have career day. cory’s dad is a manager of a grocery store, and shawn’s dad supposedly sells ideas.

shawn’s mom leaves the family with their (mobile) home and shawn’s dad leaves to find her, leaving shawn alone.

shawn turns up at his mr.turner’s house and eats dinner there. he talks about how he’s going to stay at the motel down the street and that he’ll be ok. he ends up falling asleep at the house as mr.turner tells shawn that shawn is allowed to drop by anytime to eat, talk, or not talk.

and the next day shawn is at cory’s house and they’re talking about what shawn is going to do, when shawn’s father returns and asks cory’s family if they can take shawn in for a couple of days or weeks at most until shawn’s father finds his mother. and they say yes because they care for the boy.

i wonder what that’s like.

and i’m not saying that i’m like shawn. my circumstances aren’t anything close to his.

but wow. i wonder what that’s like.

a girl can dream.

-jwong

not famous

highlight of the day: finished english homework

well…I have over 200,000 views on quora ?

I answered a question: “What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go to this day? ” and basically wrote about my most traumatic experience as a child, thinking that it would just get lost somewhere in the internet.

lone behold…more likes than I’ve ever gotten on a social media post LOL

I was looking at the post today and apparently there are comments!

there are many different types of comments. there are many different types of people.

I’ll just list a few here :’)

  • one of the encouraging things that have come from this post is that so people have commented and opened up about their most traumatic experiences. I hope that I’ve been a way for people to acknowledge what has hurt them in their pasts
    • another encouraging thing is that there are people who support them! they ask questions for clarity about the story or they tell them that they’re beautiful and worthy of love.
  • there are people who are on my side (I think?)
    • some have encouraged me, telling me that I was right in the situation and that I turned out well. some simply say “I’m sorry that you had to go through that.” I like these comments. they believe my words :0
    • there are some people who are very supportive of me being a child so they blame the people who hurt me. I don’t think that the people in my situation intended to hurt me LOL but cruel names have been given. sometimes people assume that they know more about the situation than I do
    • there’s a handful of people who are giving me advice? I don’t think that I asked for it ? but maybe they have good intentions. who am I to judge.
  • THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO EDIT MY all lower case and grammatically incorrect original post. I may have declined the suggestion. I think that lowercase posts show vulnerability. >:)
  • lastly, there are people who doubt what actually happened. some doubt that I’m okay now and some doubt what I was told or what was said. again, assuming that they know more about the situation than I do.

what a day LOL

-jwong

still sick

I AM STILL SICK AFTER SO MANY DAYS LOLL

it’s supposed to take 7-10 days to recover from a cold so hopefully this will be my last day of being sick


it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been thinking about many things

I went to a cell group yesterday! with my old church!

I thought it was going to be really awkward but it wasn’t bad? it was interesting.

I went because 1) the house HAD GOATS (even though I wasn’t able to meet them :(( ) and 2) I think sometimes I tend to push other people away more than they actually isolate me

it was nice talking with the people who I used to be closest with. we’ve all grown a lot and that in itself is crazy

the lesson was about proving that God is real LOL that was a hard lesson and not really a discussion but it has potential.

I think the scary part about the lesson is what happens if someone asks a question and you don’t know how to answer it?

some questions that I’ve been asked:

  • If there’s a God, why doesn’t he do anything about the evil in the world?
  • the paradox of: can God make a rock so heavy that he can’t hold it? if he can, then why can’t he carry it, and if he can’t, then why can’t he hold it? after all, he’s God.
  • if humans wrote the Bible, and humans are flawed, is there a chance that the Bible–word of God–is flawed?

v good questions. I don’t really have all the answers.

I have the answer for the first one though LOL

to paste what I wrote for someone else a while ago, “Oh I remember this question. I think usually the full question is “if God is so good why is there evil?” putting the blame on God right. And so then w’re asking the question “why isn’t God doing anything about evil?” But he has? He saw all the things we had done and sent his son down to face the judgement for us? So he didn’t do nothing. I think that something that a Jew once said ab the Holocaust was that “God didn’t create it. Humans did.” and then there’s the whole freewill thing again.”

I think if I was to add anything else on, it would be to clarify that God literally sent his son down to die for us, so that we would be set free from sin. so he did something..he did everything that he could LOL

yeah but there are a lot of questions that I don’t know how to answer, and I’m still learning about what I believe myself.

also in the lesson there was an opportunity there was an opportunity to talk about when we’ve ever doubted God and I thought that was good? but I guess that’s a conversation for close friends instead of a cell group.

I don’t know. I guess talking about how you doubt God is taboo. like “oh we’re in a church so we can’t talk about doubting the reason we come here for” but I feel like so many people doubt God and that’s okay?

if we don’t acknowledge that we doubt God, how are we going to keep each other accountable and be there for each other while we search for answers?

I don’t know :’) but anyways cell group was surprisingly ok and I enjoyed going


and then I got home and thought about what I used to have at my old church.

I think I’ve been bitter for so long that I’ve forgotten what I was bitter about.

at this church I’ve had a lot of mentors. my current mentor and discipler still go to this church and I love them

even the mentors before them though–they poured into me. there was one mentor who used to be there for me late at night and remind me of my worth? and she dealt with a lot of my struggles with gentleness and empathy

I think I always kind of filtered myself when I talked to her because she was part of the church admin and I didn’t need intervention or gossip. but looking back, she truly cared for me.

I remember that one time she called me and left a voicemail? she just wanted to check on me.

we went on a mission trip one year and I faced a lot of spiritual warfare and didn’t really know what to do but I didn’t reach out to her because I felt really really terrible. on mission trips you have to do 1-1s with the counselors and I was one of the later ones because the counselor was my mentor anyways so I would talk to her eventually.

so we had our 1-1 on the stairs of the lobby as we prepared to go to the airport (and leave). and I told her about what happened this week and how I felt/handled it. and she explained a 5-3-1 thing to me

it went something along the lines of:

“5s are the people who you talk with here and there. hi what’s up, what’s going on whenever and wherever.

3s are the people who you’re a bit closer with you. you’ve invested a bit of time and you care about them so you’re a bit more available.

but the 1s are the people who you’re training individually, so you’re the most available for them. and Jessica…for me…you’re a 1. “

I don’t know. I reread a few conversations yesterday and I realized how much she always looked out for me and loved me.

so I sent her a random appreciation message even though I haven’t chatted her since october. but hey, nothing’s ever wrong with a message of appreciation.


most of this spring break has been pretty chill. I’ve spent a lot of time with people and need to do work now :’)

to do:

  • ap packet
  • apeng practice test
  • apush notes

eventually I need to prep for tests :’)